girl, coming home (1/2)

For the past eight months, I’ve been writing poem after poem after poem until I couldn’t stand it anymore. There were moments I would burst into tears just as the words came into my head. There were times I made my fiance read what I’d written in my head on the way to pick him up from work (and then typed up on my phone) and we would cry together. A handful of the poems were written several years ago but the majority of them were written this year (and the last two months of last year). I never expected that compiling this book would make me feel so different, so free.

My therapist always tells me that since writing is my passion, I should spend more time writing about my experiences and my feelings. It wasn’t easy because for most of my life, I was made to feel like what I experienced wasn’t real or wasn’t important or was over-dramatized. I let others dictate how I dealt with it and it has not helped me heal from any of it. Until now. Until I took control of my story and I wrote it. Of course, I worry every day about how the people in the poems are going to react to how I portrayed them. But I always repeat to myself that if they had wanted nicer poems written about them, they should have behaved better. It helps.

I just got the edits back from my beta reader this week and I’ve already perfected everything to the best of my ability. So I’ll be publishing on my birthday this month. The 22nd. It’ll be coming out via Createspace/Amazon. It honestly doesn’t feel like a real thing. Mostly because I guess everyone can self-publish so it doesn’t seem like that big a deal. But I am incredibly excited and nervous. I get sick just thinking about it.

It’s been a rough road but I’m happy to have gotten this far.

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photo dump: recent shoots

I’ve been practicing shooting in RAW and editing in Lightroom the past couple of weeks. I did two portrait sessions with a friend and my cousin. They were a lot of fun although a little stressful. See, I’ve tried to do this before in the past but I learned everything I know on Photoshop by myself. This has been a difficult process. But I’m pretty proud of these photos so I wanted to share them.

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day #5 of camp nano

My total word count as of last night is 3454 with my goal at 17000. I know I’m doing pretty good and I should be proud of myself but it’s getting harder and harder to stop myself from feeling badly about what I’m writing. I haven’t even started writing for the day and it’s almost over. I’ve got maybe 4 hours left to write my count for the day but I just keep staring at where I left off, completely unsure of myself and my ability to tell a cohesive story. I always hear that reading helps but a lot of the time it just makes me feel worse. Because I don’t think I’ll ever be that good.

To sum it up, I’m feeling bad about myself and my writing. But I’m trying really hard not to. It helps to have someone writing with me who can help me get through slumps.

day #1 of camp nano

A friend and I met up yesterday to go over plots and notes before we started writing together at midnight. Everything went pretty smoothly and I even hit my daily goal before morning. Of course, it is only 550 words so it wasn’t exactly very hard.

But then I realized that I had written myself into a hole.

It never fails, honestly. My biggest problem is that I obsess over getting everything right the first time, making it perfect the first time. I want to go back and edit. I overthink every single word I put down. I can’t get myself to keep working and worry about everything else later.

I had to start over. I had to just do the scenes that are in my head, keeping me from moving on. I had to stop worrying about making those scenes connect to the next and it seems to be working so far.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for me.