what was i supposed to do when your hand slid up thigh under my desk? when, even after i grabbed your wrist and pushed you away, you kept going? while the rest of our class continued watching the movie, you forced your hand between my thighs in the dark. to this day, i imagine myself leaping from my chair, throwing your hand aside and telling everyone what you had been doing under my desk.
Although I didn’t think I was going to make it, I actually did it! I wrote twenty thousand words in July, completing my goal for Camp NaNoWriMo.
I’m so proud of myself. This is the most I’ve written in years and the first time I’ve ever completed NaNo. I still have a lot of writing to do until this book is finished but I’m actually feeling motivated to keep writing and it’s such a strange feeling. I’m so used to wanting to write but not being able to. A lot of credit goes to my friend Dominica who has spent the entire month doing writing sprints with me and being this books number one fan. Without her, I probably would have given up weeks ago.
Well y’all, it’s official!
I published it today because it felt right to publish on my birthday. Twenty six years on this earth and I finally feel proud of myself for something. It’s such a strange feeling, this mixture of excitement and dread and nervousness. This book is so personal and leaves me feeling incredibly vulnerable. Nevertheless, I am proud. I didn’t expect to get here but I did. So thank you to everyone who has been a part of the process.
For the past eight months, I’ve been writing poem after poem after poem until I couldn’t stand it anymore. There were moments I would burst into tears just as the words came into my head. There were times I made my fiance read what I’d written in my head on the way to pick him up from work (and then typed up on my phone) and we would cry together. A handful of the poems were written several years ago but the majority of them were written this year (and the last two months of last year). I never expected that compiling this book would make me feel so different, so free.
My therapist always tells me that since writing is my passion, I should spend more time writing about my experiences and my feelings. It wasn’t easy because for most of my life, I was made to feel like what I experienced wasn’t real or wasn’t important or was over-dramatized. I let others dictate how I dealt with it and it has not helped me heal from any of it. Until now. Until I took control of my story and I wrote it. Of course, I worry every day about how the people in the poems are going to react to how I portrayed them. But I always repeat to myself that if they had wanted nicer poems written about them, they should have behaved better. It helps.
I just got the edits back from my beta reader this week and I’ve already perfected everything to the best of my ability. So I’ll be publishing on my birthday this month. The 22nd. It’ll be coming out via Createspace/Amazon. It honestly doesn’t feel like a real thing. Mostly because I guess everyone can self-publish so it doesn’t seem like that big a deal. But I am incredibly excited and nervous. I get sick just thinking about it.
It’s been a rough road but I’m happy to have gotten this far.
I’ve been practicing shooting in RAW and editing in Lightroom the past couple of weeks. I did two portrait sessions with a friend and my cousin. They were a lot of fun although a little stressful. See, I’ve tried to do this before in the past but I learned everything I know on Photoshop by myself. This has been a difficult process. But I’m pretty proud of these photos so I wanted to share them.